The inability to sleep

It's almost 5am. I've been drifting in and out of sleep since 1am. I think I'm homesick.

Lucas woke at about 4am and I fed him - he's asleep now. But I'm fully awake. The homesick feeling plus I'm thinking about Faith. A terrible combination. I'm feeling depressed.

I wonder why it's usually the nights that usually seem so much different. Just a day ago I was elated to be finally moving on. Right now, I'm not so.

Lucas' lullabies play non-stop here. He has to have it on, otherwise he is unable to fall asleep again after he wakes in the middle of the nights. I believe he's homesick too.

I'm beginning to wonder why they call this confinement a good time to rest when I can hardly sleep here at all. My nights are fraught with flitting sleep, and my days are just keeping Lucas off his grandmother's arms. He's getting so much bigger and heavier, and still he insists on being carried by his grandmother all the time. Her legs are hurting so much, and there is nothing I can do. I'm powerless here. I'm not the matriarch.

I can hardly rest or sleep during the day here. If Lucas refuses to sleep, I am deprived of mine too. He tries to get me to play with him to no end if I happen to fall asleep on his watch; and if I lock him out of the room (to get some uninterrupted sleep) he bangs away at the door and screams for me. He's a terror here. At home, he's a totally different child. I hope it's not the beginnings of a schizo. (I know I'm just over-worrying here)

ET doesn't understand why i'm unable to relax here. (I know you're reading this...) In fact, I think most people don't understand why I'm unable to relax here. They are family afterall. I shall not elaborate further. I'm just ranting; I'm homesick.

I miss Faith.


xoxo
Diona