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I'm back at my own home today to meet the Javanese masseuse for post-natal massage. I can't tell you how elated I am to be back at home, on my own sofa, my own bed.

My mum has agreed that I should give my MIL some rest and come home for the weekend, where my mum will cook for me. I'm so glad the weekend is near. It means I've just another week to go before I'm home to my comforts again.

Last night, I had a good cry. Some issues brought up memories of the entire episode with Faith and again I was reminded of the most difficult time. Really, the most difficult moment was not pushing her out, but the most difficult moment, was knowing that her heart had stopped beating during the 3-5AM contractions. Before that, I still felt her moving. Between those 2 precious hours, I felt nothing from her anymore, and a small part of my heart died with her.

I think that is what makes me so miserable, the pain or the void Faith has left. Of course, knowing she is well and in good hands now, makes me slightly better. The past few days I've been communing with the Lord.

I don't want to ask why Faith was taken from my womb. But rather I wanted to understand His purpose for willing this to happen. There must be a lesson in it to be learnt. There must be something I need to know. Not knowing His purpose in this, makes my healing so much more difficult.

I have no wish to see anyone or speak to anyone about Faith for the moment. Like I said, I'm still not ready. I feel as though nobody (besides ET) will understand what I've gone through, except for mums of anen angels who have been through the same. It's part of my own healing process that I need to talk about Faith, but only to people who really and truly understand when they say "Don't worry, I know your pain and it will go away soon." It helps to hear this only from someone who has gone through the same. It's different when others say the same. I feel as though their eyes are on me constantly and they are sympathising us, which in a sense makes it worse.

Closer friends who've had the sensitivity to approach the topic merely listened and said, "I'm here if you need to vent." I'm grateful for people like them and their sensitivity.

I've had to change the address to my blog so as to keep out some sensitivity issues. For one evening, I've had a "Ris-Low" moment.

The wind is blowing really hard now. A storm is coming. I've to go. Thanks for checking in.