Closing the third day after Faith's passing

It's the third day since Faith's gone. I miss her little kicks and tumbles still. Her short life lived in my womb, was sufficient to create a space in my heart and in my life which filled with love for her.

I admit, at the beginning, I resented her, because I couldn't do a lot of things I had planned to do. I kept asking God why he gave us a child at a time when we couldn't afford to have another. I felt horrid as I was convinced it was bad planning on my part. I had just resigned from my job, and being pregnant, i was unable to secure another job. We had gone from double income to single, and we had a 1 year old boy to feed and care for. I was really resentful.

But as time went by, I started to love her and accept her presence. Even the nausea didn't bother me as much this round as with my son. The only thing that irritated me the most, were the frequent headaches I had. I even counted down the days to meeting her face to face. I told my mum, I had a strong feeling (like with my son), that I had a girl. As time went by, her kicks and tumbles got stronger (I told you she's feisty), to the extent that on some nights, her "gymnastics" really hurt me. Her scan at 15 weeks showed her clapping. I was so happy to see her antics, and I told myself I couldn't wait to see her. I could imagine my son protecting and loving his sister. Of course at that point, we still didn't know it was a girl, but my motherly instincts somehow told me it was a girl. I secretly planned to name her Leah.

The 20 week scan really devastated me and crushed all the dreams I had for her. I was glad that my instincts had proved me right about her being a girl. But I was also upset that my instincts about something being wrong was right too. I blamed myself quietly for not mentioning anything to my gynae so he could suggest tests to still my fears.

But looking back on it all...Faith wasn't unplanned. She was planned. She was God's plan. Let me retell the story from a different view. I resigned and left my previous company in July. That was when Faith was conceived. Of course, then we didn't know there was something wrong with her development, besides my instincts. I started applying for other jobs since I was still early in my pregnancy, but nobody hired me. Yes, I attended interviews, but most of them didn't give me any call-backs. Time went by, and I started to show, making it even more difficult to get a job. But then again...if I had gotten a job, the employers would be really sore because the new girl they hired would go on 2 weeks hospitalisation leave because she had lost her daughter. If I had not resigned from my high octane job that required me to plan my leave periods to the dot, I would not have been able to take my 2 weeks hospitalisation leave because I had to be back at work calculating salaries.

Right now, I'm able to rest through my 2 weeks leave, take a short vacation, and get back in the rat race, and just in time to try for another child in half a year's time. Like I said, Faith wasn't an accident. She was God's plan. Although I'll never understand why he meant this to happen. Maybe I'll never understand. God's ways are not our ways...sometimes we aren't meant to understand.

I feel I've done some growing up since Faith's passing. Before that, although I was already a mother, I don't think I was really acting a mum. Many times, I craved my alone-time. I mean, right now, I still do crave my alone-time, but at the same time, I'm really enjoying my time with my son. I don't stay angry at him - he still does get punishments - but I'll shower him with love after that. I'm still strict with him, but I love him even more.

A part of me still feels the void that Faith left. My heart still bleeds for her whenever her name is mentioned. I tear when I talk about her. But I am glad she's perfect and free from suffering now. I believe in heaven, her head is fully formed, her brains developed well, and she is growing well, waiting for us to be reunited with her again. Memories of the hospital are still vivid in my mind, but I also cherish the people who came to visit, even at the late hours.

I'm not ready to talk to most people about Faith yet, but, give me time. I'll be ready soon. When I'm ready, the world will know about my daughter. The world will know I had a daughter called Faith, and she impacted my life greatly, even she lived for a short 21 weeks.

I thank God I still have my son. He's my life and my joy. He never fails to cheer me up whenever I'm thinking about Faith and tearing. My husband's also my pillar of strength. As we weather this period together, we've grown closer, we had more conversations, which we rarely had in the past.

Thanks for checking in on us (regularly). I've got to rest now. My side is really aching badly...like I've pulled a muscle or something.

Good night & God bless.