Sinking, Am I?

I think I'm somewhat sinking into depression, am I not? My days are mostly devoid of any happy emotions. Trivial things make me tear, any argument or fights make me cry.

I've known myself to be a very emotional being since I was a child. But this is so different. Ninety percent of the time, the emotions that show from me are either of sadness, anger, or frustration. Five percent of the time I'm emotionless, quiet and sullen. The remaining five percent marks my happy moods.

My mood swings from happy and elation one day to sullen, frustration and irritation the next. I'm an emotional yo-yo.

I had a somewhat long talk with ET the other day, and we talked about my emotions and how others would perceive me. I get irritated by the tiniest things that never used to bother me. Most times my body language shows I'm unhappy and upset. But at what, ET asks me frequently, I'm not sure of.

I feel like crying, but there is no particular reason as to why I'm sad. At times I lash out at people (ET mostly). Thinking back, I feel really guilty because ET has been my depression "punching bag" this whole time. I'm really really glad that he hasn't bailed on me for the way I've been lashing out at him. He takes in stride some days; some days he doesn't and it escalates into a big fight between us.

If someone were to ask me if I were still depressed and grieving for my princess. I would say no. I do shed the occasional tear for Faith, but when tears are shed for her memory, the feeling is different. It is purely because I miss her.

But ask me again, why am I bitter, sad, angry and frustrated all at the same time on most days? My answer will always be the same. I either remain silent, or I'll tell you I don't know. I really don't. I never used to be like this. I was carefree, optimistic, out-going, confident (bitchy even!!), and I always knew what I wanted in life. Now I'm always unsure of what I want, unsure of what I'm thinking about, my mind lapses, memory fails me very often, and I can hardly pay attention to a conversation that lasts for more than five minutes. If the only reason I can think of as to why I'm so bitter all the time, it's because I hate myself for who I've become. No goals, no ambition, no life.

ET says things will get better, that winter has it's beauty too. Scenery wise (literally), I love winter. But emotionally, my winter seems bitterly cold and the end is not in sight.

(This post was copied off my mobile - written on Tuesday evening, 15 Dec).