Back from Vacation

Being back from vacation seems so surreal. I'm excited to start a new slate, yet, I'm hesitating. Or rather, a more appropriate word to use would be procrastinating.

Seeing Lucas again after 5 whole days was amazing. He grew taller, picked up new words, forming sentences. My boy's growing up! Just yesterday he said a full sentence (well, almost a full sentence). ET dropped his shirt on the couch (as usual) and Lucas picked it up, passed it to him and said "Daddy, your shirt". Amazing! And it the morning when ET praised him, saying "good job", Lucas echoed him back! Wow...how he grows.

I'm really glad to have Lucas, because he really keeps me going.

I didn't tell anyone this, but on the first night of vacation, I dreamt of Faith. I saw her lying in the hospital bassinet, with the hole in her head, lying really still. Then I saw her whole, grown up about Lucas' age, and running around happily. It gave me a sense of peace, although I wasn't really sure what it meant. It probably was an after effect. I was feeling a little guilty on the flight over to Indonesia. I kept feeling like it's wrong for me to be enjoying my life on a vacation when I had just lost my little girl barely a month ago. It seemed so wrong. But when I woke up from that dream the next morning, I felt a lot better. A sign, perhaps?

Christmas is coming, like 2 weeks time. It's the second christmas for Lucas, and the first for me where I'm missing a little girl. Just thinking about it makes me tear. The date 24 March 2010 is etched in stone in my mind. That is the date when Faith was supposed to be born. As this years slowly comes to an end, I await a new year of hopes and dreams. And yet, I fear the coming of that date. How will I feel on that day? How will I get through that day?

I barely feel the Christmas cheer on me. The sparkles, baubles, lights and imitations of deciduous fir trees hardly get me any more excited than I am during a monotonous hour-long political speech.

I haven't gotten around to setting my goals for the new year. Besides to tie down employment to keep myself busy and help with the family income, and making sure Lucas stays healthy, I'm really unsure of what else to aim for. Maybe work on my communication skills?

Someone said to me that my communication skills suck big time. That my body language hardly reflects how I feel. I look bored, angry and upset most of the time. Even when I'm happy. My answer to that person was "you expect me to be smiling like an idiot 24/7?" But yes, I'll take constructive critiscm and work on my communicative skills. I agree it needs work. So does my temperament.

I've always aimed to be the perfect wife, mother, confidante. Seems like I'm barely halfway there. My housework is done by a contract cleaner who comes in once a week. I rarely cook. I'm unemployed. And I totally don't do well in conversations. Wow. I guess my new year resolutions are all set out for me.

Alright, so I guess these are the things I'll work on in the new year. In terms of ttc again, let's wait a couple more months till I've secured employment and we both feel ready to try again. I would definitely love for  Lucas (and Faith) to have siblings, but we're just not emotionally ready yet (nor financially).

Thanks for checking in.

xoxo