Back to service

This morning we attended sunday service. They sang christmas songs for worship, yet i didn't feel the mood. I cried in church today - not the huge tear jerking type, but just a tiny tear every few seconds.

I went back to serving in the choral group today. Again, they were preparing items for christmas service. I felt a little out of place amongst all of them. I don't know why.

There was this song - Merry Christmas with a Prayer, that really touched a raw nerve in me. The song was about a girl who sits by the window watching the snowfall on christmas day, and there are unopened presents under the tree. There is no one to open the presents, not like the previous years' christmas. It was a lonely and sad christmas for her. The carollers came and she met them at the door, to see familiar faces and friends, and her loneliness and sadness was forgotten.

The way the song was presented touched a very very raw nerve in me and many times during practice, i had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to sober up. I stayed in the bathroom for as long as i could so when i went back in, they would have moved on to another song.

At times i find myself asking, how long is this going to last? really, how long?