Saturday

It's saturday again. Exactly 4 weeks after Faith left us. My saturdays seem to be just that little bit more grey than it did before. Every saturday, i'm subconsciously counting the weeks since she's gone.

Everyone says they're proud of us, that they're really proud of the way ET and I had handled these past few weeks. But did we really handle? I think we were left with no choices - either option we took, we would still lose her. It was not like if we chose the other option, she would be any more different. I don't think we really "handled" it. We just went about as the wave of emotions carried us along. Just like the waves carry sand inshore, we were both like that.

Every saturday I remember the labour aches and pains, the moment her heart stopped, and the moment she was born. It was a heart breaking moment, yet in a way a relief to me. Bittersweet, some may describe it as. I remember the tears ET and my dad cried. I remember the moment my heart broke into a million pieces for my little girl. I remember the emotions I went through when that little part of me died with her.

Exactly 4 weeks on, my physical health has finally given way. Down with a runny nose, probably due to the weeks and weeks of insomnia and depression. It's not like i'm depressed now. Like i said, that little piece of grey sky comes and goes. Particularly sticks around on saturdays, where every moment rushes back into my mind.

Christmas is coming around. We went out to the mall today and the christmas lights had all come up in the shops. People were into a buying frenzy. I think my mom joined in and bought some gifts for the kids, and we spent the day sleeping at my mom's place. Come christmas, I would have been 7 months pregnant, fully feeling her kicks and tumbles, while enjoying a family christmas celebration. Instead, this christmas, our family celebrations would be a minus one. One less gift, one less person.

Before all this, I never knew how much I loved my family. I thought my love was enough for my husband and my son. After all that has happened, I love them both so much more, I fear losing them. Maybe this is one of the lessons planned for me - that I had to understand I had to love them as much as I could, not just sufficient, but more than sufficient.

If this had not happened, Faith would be born 2 years and a week short of her brother. If this had not happened, every March/April, we would have 2 children celebrating their birthdays. If this had not happened, I would not have to avoid the little girls' clothes sections now. If this had not happened, I would gladly and joyfully be teaching my son to love and protect his darling sister. But all this was not meant to be. So many ifs.