Christmas with a missing child

Christmas went by quickly for me this year, at least the 25th did. The opening and giving of presents, the gatherings, the cheer. Throughout the entire day I felt a tiny little tugging at my heart, remembering Faith the entire day - at church, at lunch, at home. But it didn't make me upset, it was a memory that I held dear and near while I went about my day.

It wasn't until almost the 25th was over, while we were in bed, getting ready to fall asleep, that the emotions kicked in full gear. I cried myself to sleep because I missed Faith so much. Knowing that I went through Christmas being not pregnant. On the 25th I would have been 7 months pregnant with Faith, exactly 7 months, no more no less. As I tried my best to sleep, memories of D-Day leading up to Faith's birth ran through my mind. I still regret I had not asked to see her after she was born. All I wanted to do then was fall asleep and wish it was a terrible nightmare. That was all I had wanted then - for everything to be okay. Thinking back, it took a full day after she was born for the grief to finally take hold of me.

The blue feelings stayed on till the 26th morning, where I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I wanted to huddle in the sheets until the sadness went away. ET suggested going to the beach with Lucas to cheer me up, and so we went. I did cheer up in the end. Spending time watching Lucas run, smile and splash in the pool was like heavenly manna to me whenever I'm upset.

Blessed Christmas Faith. I hope you had a blast celebrating in heaven. Mommy loves you.


xoxo