Missing my princess

It's Friday, it's raining (as usual), and my little sad cloud is out and about me today. I'm thinking about my little Faith again. Everything about her just runs through my mind the entire morning.

Despite the gladness in my heart that Lucas is well and back to his cheeky self again, my heart is heavy with emotions for Faith. I'm missing her.

It's been almost 3 weeks since she's sprouted her wings, about a month and a half since the beginning of our hellish week. I miss her. All the sweet moments we've had together, all the bumps and kicks she's made as though to silently shout "Mommy! I'm here!".

I'm supposed to have 2 kids - a boy and a girl. A close friend just gave birth to a healthy baby girl a couple of days ago. I know I'm supposed to be happy for her, but my heart sank when I heard about it. I was supposed to have a little girl. A princess that I knew I would dote on, and play dress up. A princess that I would love and hug and kiss every single day. Right now, all my love is poured into my little boy, because that little girl is missing.

Occasionally in my own "me-time", I tear a little when I think about her, how I miss every single thing about her. If I could ask God for anything in the world, I would ask to spend a day with her. I imagine I would wake up to the sounds of my 2 kids playing and laughing in the morning. I imagine myself bringing her to the water fountains at the mall, watching her splash around. I imagine both of us cuddled up on the couch on a rainy day like this, reading a book together, laughing together. And most of all, I imagine her coming up to me, hugging me, and saying "Mommy I love you". How I would give anything to hear her say those words, to feel her little arms around my neck, her little embrace. My heart breaks all over again when I remember that I'll never hear those words from her, nor get any hugs from her.

Each time I see families with little girls, I try to imagine my family like that. ET holding Lucas, and I'm holding Faith. Each time I step into the children's shop to buy something for Lucas, I avoid the little girls section. Subconsciously, I'm still counting my weeks as though she's still in my womb. I dread 24 March 2010, because that would have been the day she would be due. On days like this, it seems everything around me just seems to magnify the loss of her. While my heart continues to ache for the missing daughter, my boy will continue to receive all my love.

My dear Faith, mommy misses you.
xoxo