Not a good day

It's not been a good day today. I'm especially depressed and I can't really cry. I'm writing this in my new office and there are tons of people around who don't know my story. I'm not ready to tell them. Due to work, I can't leave the office just yet.

All through the midst of writing this, this song "Smallest Wingless" keeps running through my head. Try as I might, I can't get it out of my head. (I don't have speakers in the office PC so it's not stuck because I heard it today). I'm slinking down in my seat so the partitions cover my face and nobody can see me.

My eyes are red, my nose runs. I'm trying very hard. It's only been the first week of March and it's already getting so hard. I want to move past this, and it seemed so easy the last month. Now its going downhill again. ( I wish that guy would hurry so I can leave the office!) I need to be out and walking about.

Now the only things in my mind are:
1. mentally rushing the guy out of the office so I can leave too
2. Faith (her birth, her passing, our song, our book reading, our bar of chocolate, everything)

I'm avoiding everyone now because I know I'm holding back the tears with all my efforts, and just a question of concern from anyone would turn the tap on. It's getting more difficult everyday and yet I have to deal with this.

At the back of my mind, my head is telling me we should start TTC somewhere in the middle of the year so the kids don't get spaced too far apart. Deep inside my heart, I'm really not sure if I'm 100% ready.