A Reflection of the year past

Today on the second day of 2010, I look back on the last year and reflect/remember the events that created memories in my life.

January
Got confirmed at my new workplace & made new friendships.
Lucas turns 9 months old - learns to stand with support.

February
Lucas turns 10 months old - learns to walk with support.

March
Lucas turns 11 months old - walks with minimal support.
Lucas learns his first words - Mommy, Daddy
We start talking about planning for the second child.

April
Lucas turns 1 year old - walks on his own.

June
I hand in my resignation at the company and decide to take a break from the corporate world.

July
My last day at the company.
2 July - Faith is conceived (but we don't realise it yet!)
ET's birthday bash @ St James.
We fly off to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to watch Manchester United play live.
20 July - Home pregnancy test kit shows positive & I officially curb my drinking

August
We take a road trip with friends into Malaysia - had fun even without drinking.
I arranged my first visit to my obgyn - the same obgyn I had with Lucas and his first words upon seeing me were "So you're pregnant again!" and I'm about 7 weeks.
ET plans my surprise birthday party @ M Hotel.

September
I'm about 3 months pregnant with Faith, and although I've not missed my Folic Acid, my maternal instincts told me something was not right with this pregnancy, but I never mentioned anything to anyone.

October
I'm about 4 months with Faith.
Nausea kicks in every morning & I had it so badly when I was preggers with Lucas that it's second nature to me this time around. Only this time, my appetite is not as good as it was with Lucas. My weight gain till now is barely a kilo.
We meet our obgyn for a routine scan at 17 weeks - the scan looks good with no fetal problems.

November
7th - We go for the detailed scan that revealed we have a girl, and that there was something wrong with her.
8th - We inform our family about Faith's diagnosis.
9th - We see our obgyn for the first time after the scan & we receive confirmation of Faith's fatal diagnosis. We had a second opinion done at a different hospital and for the first time we see Faith face to face on a 4D scan.
10th - I sing to Faith and she responds, we also inform our closer friends about Faith's diagnosis.
11th - I read the book of Psalms to Faith and she responds
12th - I share a bar of toblerone chocolate with Faith and she absolutely loves it!
13th - We see a new obgyn for further information and we made our heartbreaking decision. I was admitted at 5pm and induction meds were administered at 6pm. My contractions start almost immediately.
14th - Faith is born sleeping at 6.30am.
15th - We leave the hospital without Faith. For the first time, Lucas mentions his sister.
16th - I dreamt I heard a little girl calling out for her brother and wake up at 3am.
17th - I break down for the first time in ET's arms and finally admit that I miss her.

December
1st - We held a mini service for Faith at home with our church friends and pastor.
2nd - Lucas runs a high fever of 39.4deg and he goes into fits on the way to hospital. Thankfully he is not admitted.
5th - ET & myself go to Bali for a vacation to be away from everything.
13th - I return to church for the first time after Faith's birth. For the first time, I share with the church about Faith and how much she touched our lives. I dreamt about Faith grown to about Lucas' age and running around happily.
25th - My first Christmas without Faith.
26th - I break down at home (I should have been 7 months preggers)
31st - Lucas came down with a bout of infection and fever, and I almost had him admitted because he refused to take his antibiotics at home. After second thought, we decided to try again at home with the medication and Lucas left the hospital with us. We usher in the new year at home with a couple of close friends.


All in all, 2009 has been a very humbling year for me, especially the last quarter. I used to take my son for granted, thinking I'd let him cry whenever he threw tantrums and that he'd always be healthy. I had the mentality that I was young, I was healthy, so my children would be born healthy. The idea of losing my children had never occured to me.

When Lucas went through that bout of infection and the risk of it affecting his brain, again I screamed to God not to take him away from me. All the things that I never thought would happen to  did. My naivety about life was brought to a halt.

Now as we rebuild our lives, we cherish each other more, and we tell each other "I love you" more often that we did.

Here's to a magnificent 2010!
xoxo

After Faith was born, the fear of losing loved ones to illness and death was awakened in me. When Lucas went into fits, I was screaming inwardly to God. I screamed out to him, asking him not to take another child away from me.